Title: Weiss-locks and the Three Kaibas (Plus One Yami)
Author: bnomiko
Rating: R / NC-17
Pairing(s): (YGO) Seto x Yami (sorta) - (WK) Yohji + Aya
Spoilers: none
Warnings: VERY severe OOCness, cross-dressing assassins
Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the creation of Kazuki Takahashi. Weiss Kreuz is the property of Takehito Koyasu and Project Weiss. This is a not-for-profit fanwork and I do not own any of these characters.
Summary: A truly horrible bastardization of Goldilocks and The Three Bears. Weiss gets an unusual mission to infiltrate the Kaiba mansion, and then things just get ridiculously silly (as if things weren't bad enough already by that point). Plot? What is this foreign concept called plot? Written for the PharaohsPalace - Crossover Contest.
Status: 1 / 1
Archived at: http://www.phenixsol.com/Miko/FF/

This is a YAOI fic (male x male sexual situations) and is not appropriate for minors. If you are underage or offended by homosexual relationships, please do not read this. Flames will be disregarded.

(YGO) Setup for this fic:

(WK) Setup for this fic:

@>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'---

Weiss-locks and the Three Kaibas (Plus One Yami)

* * *

Once upon a time in a city called Domino, there lived a team of assassins known as Weiss Kreuz. They were very good assassins, but sometimes they were very naughty and mischievous young men. But who could blame them? All killing and no play make assassins dull boys.

* * *

"Weiss! Mission time!" Omi yelled into the storeroom of the Kitten in the House.

The other three assassins emerged from back room and followed Omi and Manx down to their basement mission room, gathering around the TV in their usual spots as Manx popped in a tape.

Persia's shadowy silhouette filled the screen and began addressing the group. "There is a popular card game called Duel Monsters. One company, KaibaCorp, has come up with a holographic 'duel disk' system which has become the gold standard for hardcore duelists around the world. KaibaCorp has recently released a limited edition 'Pretty Pink Pony' version of their deluxe duel disk in time for the holidays, however they've sold like hotcakes and have become impossible to find. Damn it, I must have one in time for Christmas because that's all my whiny, bratty, spoiled little niece has been asking for and every time I try to buy one off eBay, I get sniped and I'm so pissed off! Ahem... so I have received information that indicates that the CEO of KaibaCorp, Mr. Seto Kaiba, is storing the very last shipment of duel disks in his mansion. Your mission is to do whatever it takes to secure me one of those duel disks! Right! Uh... white hunters, deny these dark beasts their tomorrows!"

"So who's in?" Manx asked once the tape had ended. All four men stared silently back at the secretary as if she had sprouted a second head.

Ken finally broke the silence with a loud, "What the fuck?!"

"Not uh... our usual sort of mission, is it?" Yohji drawled lazily, peering over the edge of his shades. "So let me get this straight. Persia was too lazy to do his Christmas shopping early, and now we're stuck stealing a 'Pretty Pink Pony' duel thing-a-ma-jig for him?"

Aya glared at his boyfriend. Manx shifted her gaze from Yohji to Aya and back, then cleared her throat and said, "No, it's not the usual sort of mission. Personally, I think he's lost it." She twirled her index finger next to her temple. "But... he's the boss, and this job pays double, so..."

"Double? I'm in!" Aya yelled. He needed every cent he could get to pay for Aya-chan's bills. What was a little thievery to him when he was usually out killing criminals?

Yohji just laughed at his lover's enthusiasm, and Aya gave him a death glare. "If Ayan's in, so am I."

Manx gave the two eldest members a tight smile. "All right. Ken, Omi?"

"Since Aya-kun and Yohji-kun accepted, then so will I," answered Omi.

Ken gave a slight nod. "Same."

"All right then, I will leave you the information we've gathered thus far. Good luck." She handed a large manila envelope to Aya, then headed up the stairs.

The three other members of Weiss gathered around their team leader as he opened the envelope. Inside was a flashy advertisement for the "LE Pretty Pink Pony Duel Disk - Buy It NOW NOW NOW!!", a blueprint for the layout of the Kaiba mansion, and photos and a brief bio on each resident of the Kaiba mansion.

"That's the CEO? He's only 18?!" Ken screeched after glancing at the bio for Seto Kaiba.

"Good looking guy," Yohji threw in. For that remark, Aya bypassed the Fujimiya "Shi-ne" Glare and went right to the rarely used Glare of Eternal Death and Damnation. "Uh... of course, not nearly as good looking as you, my prickly little rosebud," he hastily added.

"Shut the fuck up, Kudoh."


"Kuuudooooh," the redhead growled, throwing the taller blonde into a wrist lock.

"Oh geez, take your foreplay elsewhere," Omi complained, and he snatched the info packet out of Aya's hands. "This is just a break in and steal mission. If we do this right, there'll be no need for killing... Not that we shouldn't be armed anyways, just in case. Hmm... it looks like Kaiba employs a sizeable security team..."

"Any ideas, Chibi?" Yohji asked, struggling to get away from Aya.

Omi rolled his eyes, then suddenly brightened up. "Yes, actually! I just got a great idea!"

"Uh oh... why don't I like the look on his face?" Ken whimpered, backing away slowly.

"No, I promise, this is a good idea! And you don't have to dress like a dog this time!"

"Thank God! No costumes!"

Omi giggled. "I didn't say there wouldn't be costumes involved, Ken-kun. I think we'd look pretty convincing as maids, don't you think?"

* * *

(The next day...)

"Setooooo..." Noa whined, tugging pathetically at his brother's sleeve.

"Please! Pleeeeeease! Nii-samaaaa!! Just for a little while!" begged Mokuba, his voice hitching a little.

Seto made the mistake of looking into his younger brother's huge, weepy gray eyes, and felt his resolve slip past the point of no return. "God damn it, Mokuba, Noa... FINE! Fine, I'll take you two to the arcade!"

"Yay!" yelled the two younger teens. They both promptly ran out of the kitchen to collect some quarters.

Yami looked over from the stove and tsked. "Pushover."

"As if you wouldn't instantly fold the moment your little aibou turned on the 'pity me' act."

Yami chuckled. "Okay, so we're both pushovers. So do you want me to come with you?"

"Come with me? Of course, but usually you finish first and then I have to come alone."

The ex-spirit laughed and waved a wooden spoon at his smirking boyfriend. "Kai-baby, you pervert. I meant, did you want me to come to the arcade with you?"

Seto shrugged and walked over to the stove, lightly wrapping his arms around his lover. "Well, how's dinner coming along?"

"It's almost done. The chili is completely done, and I just have to pour the polenta into a glass dish and refrigerate it until it hardens. So... You. Want. Me. To. Come?"

The brunette smirked again. "Yes. But me first."

* * *

After Omi had hacked into the Schreient Housekeeping Service's computer system, he had discovered that the Kaiba mansion was scheduled for service the next day. So early the next morning, Ken had been sent out to do deliveries and had come back with a "borrowed" a panel van from Schreient, a van which happened to have a convenient quartet of blue maid's uniforms.

That evening, after the flower shop was finally closed and Yohji was given one last cigarette break, Aya ended up driving to the mansion with Omi in the passenger's seat. Ken, who looked just a bit too masculine, even in a dress, and Yohji, who was whining about how his evening plans were ruined, both sat in the rear. The security guards at the gate of the estate stopped the van as it pulled up.

"Well, you two are new," said one of the guards, leering at Aya. "And very, very late."

"Fucking bastard!" Yohji hissed over his com line.

Aya flushed in anger at his boyfriend's outburst, but took advantage of the redness in his face, lowering his lashes modestly at the guard. "I apologize, but Karen and Chizuru couldn't make it today, so we were sent out as last minute replacements," he whispered in an attempt to hide the deep baritone of his voice.

"Aw, well that's all right then. You're pretty. I love redheads."

Aya giggled and in the back of the van, Yohji made a face. It was so wrong hearing Aya giggle. "Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls," Aya whispered.

The guard laughed and said in a low voice, "Well, I'd love to get your name and number, but I suppose I should let you get to work. Mr. Kaiba just left and should be out for a little while, so if you're quick and finish up before he comes home, he shouldn't be too angry."

"Thank you." The guard nodded and stepped out of the way, and the van pulled up to the side of the house.

"Well, that was easier than I expected," Omi said with a chuckle.

"Shut up, Bombay!" Aya hissed, instantly switching into Abyssinian mission mode.

"Sorry, Abyssinian."

Aya and Omi stepped out of the van and opened the rear doors. Using the doors to shield Yohji and Ken from the guard station in the front of the property, they fetched various cleaning implements and did a last minute check for their weapons. Yohji was set with his watch, Omi had darts hidden in his apron, Aya's katana was in a bucket with some mops, and Ken wore his bugnuks under yellow latex gloves.

Furtively the four approached the side entrance of the house. Omi disabled the alarm system while Yohji worked on picking the lock. As soon as they were done, the quartet walked through a mud room and into the spacious kitchen of the Kaiba mansion.

"Wow, pretty nice," Ken said, sniffing the air. "Smells like someone had a nice dinner. Wonder if there's any leftovers?" The brunette put down the broom and feather duster he was carrying and headed for the refrigerator.

"Siberian! What are you doing?"

"Oh wow, look at all the food in here!"

Aya dropped his mop bucket while pulling out his sword, and snagged Ken's arm with his free hand. "Siberian, the mission!"

"Oh, chill. I wouldn't be so hungry if you hadn't insisted on doing this mission right after closing shop. Oooh, is this polenta?" He pulled a pan out of the fridge and Omi's eyes widened. "And here's some barbecued chicken, and a pot of chili as well. Bombay, find the spoons and forks."

"Affirmative, Siberian." The young blonde put aside a bin of cleaning solvents and went through the drawers until he found some silverware, then he joined Ken at the island, where the food was being set up. Ken stripped off his yellow gloves but left the bugnuks on as he grabbed a spoon.

"Siberian! Bombay!" Aya looked like he was about to blow a gasket.

Yohji looked at his pissed off boyfriend, then at his younger teammates. Food sure sounded good, and they had worked a very long day in the shop. He put down his own bucket of rags and brushes and sauntered over to the island. "I'm sure there's enough for you two to share, right?"

Ken narrowed his eyes. "Negative." He stuck a spoon in the polenta.

"Oh, Siberian... sure thing, Balinese. Have a seat."

Yohji sat down and grabbed the chicken just as Ken popped a spoonful of polenta in his mouth. The brunette's eyes bugged out and he hissed, "Hot! OW! This polenta is too hot!" He began blowing air rapidly out of his mouth.

The tall blonde nearly choked with laughter. "You're such a dumbass, Siberian." He lifted a piece of chicken to his mouth and bit down. "Eww... I guess I should have heated this up. This chicken is cold. Gross."

Omi looked at his companions, then tried a spoonful of chili. "Mmmm... this chili is just right. I guess it's been in the refrigerator for just a little while."

"Oooh, is it good chili?" asked Ken, already forgetting about the polenta.

"Awesome. The best... nice and spicy. You guys want some?"

Aya was practically foaming at the mouth in anger as his three teammates proceeded to devour the entire pot of chili. "Mission! Hello? MISSION!!"

* * *

Seto pulled the Mercedes up to the Big Wed arcade and Noa and Mokuba quickly tumbled out with a bag of quarters between them.

"Remember to call me as soon as you're done!" Seto yelled after them.

"Don't worry, we will!" Noa called out.

"But we'll make sure to give you two plenty of time to uh, entertain yourselves!" added Mokuba.

Seto scowled as Yami laughed at the implication. "So, Yami, now what?"

"Well... maybe we could just um, 'entertain ourselves' in the backseat since the windows are tinted..." Yami purred.

The brunette made a face at the suggestion. "Okay, first of all, where the hell would we park so that no one would see us fucking? And second, Mokuba and Noa have to sit back there once we're through, so I'm not going to have them get in the car and say, 'Ewww, Nii-sama, did you and Yami just mess around in the backseat? That's soooo nasty,'" Seto whined in a very bad rendition of Mokuba's voice.

Yami huffed and crossed his arms. "It's not like you don't have a towel and leather wipes in the trunk. But fine... then you come up with something better!"

Seto drummed his fingers on his steering wheel for a moment, then slowly said, "We're not too far away from my office. And it's late enough that most of the employees are gone so we can..."

"Oh I know! Let's do it in your private elevator! You've got all those mirrors in there and... What... no?"

"Security cameras, Yami. And who knows how often the floor is cleaned in there?"

The ex-spirit narrowed his crimson eyes. "Disable them, geez. You're the CEO. And apparently, also a germophobe. Besides, who uses that elevator other than you and me and Mokuba and Noa?"

Seto was about to snap a witty retort, when he remembered that he could in fact turn on or off any facet of the building he wished, including the cameras and the elevators. "Oh, fine!"

Yami let out a little cheer as the sedan pulled back into traffic and headed for KaibaCorp's corporate headquarters.

* * *

After the impromptu meal, the four assassins wandered into the family room to begin looking for the vaunted LE duel disks. But before the search even got underway, Ken's eyes bugged out and he gasped, "Holy shit! Look at the size of that plasma screen! That's like what, over 100 inches? God... watching soccer games would be SO awesome on that. Which reminds me... I'm missing an awesome match between Argentina and Paraguay!"

"Siberian, I am going to KILL you," Aya snarled, the Fujimiya "Shi-ne" Glare already turned on full blast. Yohji bravely stepped forward and wrapped an arm around the redhead's waist to stop him before he made good on his promise.

"Negative, Abyssinian. Hey Siberian, help us look for that fuckin' 'Pretty Pink Pony' shit. No fair for us to do all the work while you... Siberian!"

The brunette had turned on the television and was simply gaping at it. "Ohhhhh... we HAVE to get one of these, guys. Damn, the game's almost over!" He quickly sat himself down on an unusual wooden chair. "Ow, this chair is damn hard and uncomfortable," he complained, but since it offered such a nice view of the screen, he didn't get up.

"Huh, that is a pretty nice screen..." said Omi as he sat down on the sofa closest to his soccer fanatic teammate. The young blonde instantly sank into the cushions. "Ack! The cushions on this sofa are way too soft! What is this filled with, down?"

"Well, damn it... if you guys aren't going to work, neither am I!" Yohji announced cheerfully, and he flopped onto a handsome recliner off to the other side of the sofa. "Ahhh... just right! Abyssinian, care to join me?" The redhead was too busy trying to knock himself unconscious by pounding his head against the wall to respond to the invite. "Oh well, suit yourself."

* * *

"I can't believe I agreed to this," Seto groused as Yami dragged him into the elevator. They had already stopped by the security desk to disable the security cameras for their chosen car, and with Seto's briefcase in hand, Yami was practically vibrating with excitement. The pair waited till they reached the 70th floor before Seto used his keycard, a retinal scan, and a security code to disable the car.

"Awesome," Yami breathed, pushing Seto against the back of the elevator and then dropping to his knees and rubbing his cheek affectionately against Seto's crotch. The brunette exhaled harshly and hardened almost immediately, tilting his head back as Yami quickly undid his heavy belt and trousers.

Seto realized almost immediately that looking up at the mirrored ceiling was pretty hot, since he could watch Yami sliding his dick out the fly of his boxers, then popping it into his hot little mouth. The young CEO sank his fingers into the spikes of his lover's hair as Yami began sucking him off vigorously. "Yami... mmm... that's good. Really good." He struggled to keep his eyes opened and focused on the action, but Yami's talented tongue made him shudder with pleasure and he found his eyelids drooping automatically with every shiver.

Yami's lashes fluttered as he concentrated on his throbbing, weeping target. With practiced precision, he lashed the underside of Seto's swollen glans, sweeping the very tip of his tongue over the slit again and again as his hand and mouth slid back and forth in sync with one another. He sucked in his treat as deeply as possible, only relaxing the suction enough to allow himself to move back for another stroke of the tongue. He knew from experience that his lover would not last long under such an assault, but he was too worked up for anything other than quick and dirty.

Seto wove on his feet unsteadily and moaned loudly as Yami quickly pushed him towards climax. "Ya...Yami, lay off or I... nngh!" His muscles tightened involuntarily and his hips thrust forward as he came vigorously, screaming, "Ahh! Ahhhggghhh!" Seto clenched his teeth and held Yami's head in place as he spasmodically jerked his dick in and out of his lover's mouth, then, finally spent, he felt his muscles go limp and he sagged against the wall.

Yami looked up and smiled tightly, his mouth full of Seto's liquid warmth. Like a cat, he ran that agile pink tongue over his lips, lapping up any evidence of his activities as if it were catnip-laced cream. Then with a swallow, he stood up and rubbed his hands over his boyfriend's chest. "So, you came first."

"Indeed." Seto reached down and groped between Yami's legs, easily finding the hard-on that pulsed beneath the tight jeans. The shorter duelist responded by spreading his legs a little for easier access. Seto smirked and began unbuckling Yami's belt, then undid the top of the jeans just enough to wrestle the eager cock free of Yami's boxers before spinning the crimson-eyed teen around.

"Nnn... Seto, what are you... hunhh..." The brunette took a firm hold of his lover's shaft and began a quick, pistoning stroke. Yami gasped and moaned and threw his head back against Seto's chest, then reached his arms up and locked his hands behind Seto's neck.

Still smirking, the young CEO took advantage of his positioning to lavish his lover's neck and ear with attention, nibbling all over the shell of Yami's ear, kissing and sucking at the exposed skin right above the leather collar which bore his name on a titanium plate. Yami twisted his head to the side to give Seto's mouth more access, sighs of pleasure escaping his lips. Encouraged, Seto began pumping even harder and lifted his chin back up to the level of the ex-spirit's ear, whispering, "I want you to come for me, Yami. Come all over this damn elevator. Let's see you hit that door."

Yami whimpered softly as his entire body strove to comply and in an euphoric rush of release, he shot his load, spotting the mirrored doors and carpeted floor with creamy pearls of cum. Seto gave his boyfriend one last nip on a pink earlobe, then said, "You've made quite a mess. How naughty."

Yami snorted softly and mock-glared at the taller duelist. "You're the one who said you wanted to see me hit the door. And I did."

"Hn. You want me to give you a medal for it or something?"

"A kiss would suffice." Yami puckered up and Seto gave him a big smooch, wrapping his arms firmly around the shorter teen. "So... who gets clean-up duty?"

"Not me. I'm the CEO. I pay a cleaning crew for this type of shit."

Yami wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Now that's nasty. Give me the towel and I'll clean it up." Seto rolled his eyes but released him without any further protest. Yami immediately grabbed the briefcase they had brought in with them and pulled out a hand towel. As he began his self-appointed task, Seto's cellphone rang.

"Perfect timing," the brunette said, picking up the call. "Mokuba? Ready to go?"

* * *

"I still can't believe you and Abyssinian broke that recliner, Balinese. How fat are you two?" Ken taunted as the quartet made their way on up the stairs. The brunette was in a weird mood since he missed the majority of the game, buthe was pleased that he got to watch the end of it on Kaiba's beautiful television.

Yohji patted his flat stomach. "Shut up. I'm skinnier than you. You know you're jealous of my abs. Abyssinian's the fat one."

"Both of you shut the hell up!" Aya was fighting a losing battle against a monster migraine. He just wanted to find the stupid dueling hardware and get out before the homeowner returned.

Omi thought back to the blueprints they had received from Manx. "There should be an office up here, which would be a logical place to look. If the duel disks aren't in there, I guess we'll have to search the bedrooms."

"Fine. Get your asses in the office and start searching! We're wasting time!" But despite their best efforts, there were no "Pretty Pink Pony" duel disks to be found in Kaiba's office, and after ten minutes of fruitless searching, Aya decided to move on to the bedrooms.

"From the intelligence we've received, only two bedrooms here are occupied," Omi reminded his redheaded team leader.

Aya nodded. "Balinese and I will check the master bedroom. Bombay, you and Siiberian check the bedroom belonging to the younger brothers. And don't fuck around or I will gut the pair of you and leave your carcasses out to rot, GOT IT?"

Omi frowned. "Affirmative, Abyssinian."

The younger pair watched as Aya stalked away with Yohji in tow, then as soon as they were out of earshot, Ken turned off his com, motioned for Omi to do the same, and grumbled, "Stupid asshole! Don't fuck around he says... how much you want to bet that Yohji's going to turn this into one of his sexcapades?"

His blonde teammate just grinned and shrugged. "Well, let's see if we can find this duel disk quick then, because I don't want to get stuck with 'Drag Yohji-kun off Aya-kun' duty again."

The pair opened the door to the younger Kaibas' bedroom and began looking around. Rooting through piles of video games, CDs, mangas, Duel Monsters paraphernalia, and various other junk, they quickly discovered that there was no sign of a "Pretty Pink Pony" duel disk in the room.

"Rats! Now what?" complained Ken, flopping down on one of the beds in the room. "Damn, what's with the furniture in this place? This thing is almost as hard as Aya's bed!"

Omi's eyes bugged out a little. "How would you know what Aya-kun's bed was like?"

Ken cocked an eyebrow questioningly, then instantly turned red. "No! No no, I never slept in his bed! But once I had to haul his ass into it after he passed out from blood loss, and I sorta fell onto it by accident. I swear, the thing was like a rock!"

"Hehe, oh, okay... I believe you." The blonde sat down on the other bed. "Wow, this thing is really soft; too soft really. No support at all! How many feather beds can you put on top of a mattress anyways?" he grumbled.

Ken just stared thoughtfully at his teammate. "So now what? Shall we go gather our fearless leader and his dumb blonde bimbo? Or does a nap sound better?"

"A nap? A nap. Are you crazy?!"

"What else are we supposed to do while the two nuts fuck?"

Omi opened his mouth to protest, then changed his mind and said, "Hmm. You have a point. All right, but just a short nap, okay?"

* * *

Over in the master suite, Yohji followed Aya around as he checked the every possible nook and cranny for the elusive dueling hardware. Not that there were many nooks nor crannies in the clean, spartan room. After going through the closet a second time, Aya let out an explosive, "Fuck!" and sat on the floor with a scowl.

Yohji's brow twitched in concern. "So it's not here. Now what? Abor..."

"I refuse to abort the mission. This is for double pay, Balinese, double!"

"Yes, yes I know," said Yohji, disinterestingly glancing through the contents of the drawers in the meticulously organized closet. "Whoa, hey, would you look at this..."

Aya instantly perked up, hopping to his feet. "Did you find it?!"

The tall blonde chuckled. "No, but it looks like Kaiba is quite the collector of sex toys. Nice choice in paddles. Oh wow, look at all these dildos!"

"Balinese, don't EVEN think of touching any of that stuff," Aya ordered as Yohji's hand hovered over a riding crop. "Who knows where all those things have been?" Okay, maybe the answer to that one was obvious. "So he's a horny, gay, teenage CEO... so what?"

"Hm. Umhmm. Yes, I think so."


Yohji lowered his ever-present sunglasses, his jade eyes glimmering. "Let's fuck."

"WHAT?! Balineeeese..." Aya snarled, his eyes narrowing to glare at his companion.

"Abyssiniaaaaaannn..." Yohji advanced on his boyfriend slowly as the redhead backed out of the closet. "No, really! There's a nice bed in here, and this Kaiba guy lives like a germophobe, and I bet he's probably got an entire case of sealed lube stashed in his nightstand..."

"No! Absolutely not! Mission, Balinese... we're on a mission! And it's absolutely disgusting to think that you'd want to do it in a target's house and on his bed!"

"May I remind you that there is no target on this mission. Besides, missions make me horny, my fiery red rose." And with that, the older assassin tackled his team leader, knocking him into Kaiba's bed. "Wow, nice bed. It's just right for screwing you senseless!"

* * *

A satisfied pair of duelists swung back by the arcade to pick up Mokuba and Noa. Now that one of Seto's urges had been satisfied, he wanted to satisfy his craving for Yami's special chili.

"Hungry, Baby?" Yami asked, practically reading his mind.

"Yeah, actually, I'm starving."

"Us too!" Mokuba piped up from the backseat. Noa nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

"Good! I'm trying something new for dinner, so I hope you guys like it. And yes, Kai-baby, it does involve chili." That elicited a small smile from the brunette.

With his stomach grumbling, Seto drove home at a quick clip, screeching to a stop in the circular driveway in front of the mansion. All four teens got out and immediately headed for the kitchen, but as soon as the entered the room...

"What? What happened in here? Someone pulled my polenta out of the fridge and took a bite of it?"

"Looks like someone was really hungry. They took a bite of this barbecued chicken too," Noa pointed out.

"And the chili! Some fucker ate the chili and it's all gone! MY chili!" Seto roared, blue eyes blazing. "Someone is going to get fired and from the looks of it, it's going to be those damned housekeepers!" He pointed angrily at the mess of cleaning supplies on the floor.

"My polenta... my chicken... my special chili..." Yami moaned.

"I guess... we should call for pizza or something," Noa suggested.

"I'll call for pizza," Mokuba volunteered.

Seto nodded curtly, then began stomping around in search for the errant housekeepers. But he didn't make it any further than the family room before losing his temper again. "What the fuck!!!"

Yami and Noa instantly ran into the room. "Seto, what..."

"Of all the... Someone sat on my valuable, decorative Gerrit Rietveld zig-zag armchair. I swear I can still see their ass print on it." He knelt down and squinted at the wooden seat.

"Looks like someone liked the sofa too," Noa added, eyeing the dip in the cushions.

Yami checked on Seto's favorite recliner and gasped. "And someone carelessly abused our recliner, Kai-baby! It's broken!"

"Um... actually, Yami, I think we broke it two nights ago. You know... extra-curricular activities..."

"We did?"

"Yeah, we pounded it pretty hard."

"Mmm, hard..."

Noa looked Yami in alarm, then looked over at Seto. "Should I be hearing this? I shouldn't, right?"

"Think of it as sex ed," said Seto, smirking. Noa made a face.

"Okay, pizza's coming!" Mokuba yelled as he ran into the room. "Oh geez, don't tell me someone," and he eyed his brother, " and someone else," and he eyed Yami, "broke the recliner again."

Yami flushed. "No comment! And anyways, we need to track those housekeepers down..."

"I bet those bitches are upstairs right now lounging around and goofing off," Seto snarled, and he began stalking towards the stairs. "I'm in the mood for firing someone... who wants to come with?"

Yami, Mokuba and Noa all ran after him. They finally caught up with the elder Kaiba in his office, which miraculously was devoid of any sign of life.

"Maybe check the bedrooms and bathrooms?" suggested Mokuba.

"Hn. We'll start with your room," Seto decided, rapidly walking to Mokuba's and Noa's room. As soon as the four teens entered, their jaws dropped open. For upon Mokuba's bed, a young blonde girl in a maid's uniform lay sleeping, all curled up around a pillow. And in Noa's bed, a muscular brunette in drag snored loudly atop the sheets.

"Who the fuck are you?!" the young CEO bellowed, waking both Omi and Ken immediately. "What the fuck are you doing in my brothers' beds?!!!!"

"Ah, um... hi?" Ken began to say, his fists beginning to clench. He was itching to unsheathe his claws, but since they technically didn't have a target, he wasn't sure if he ought to kill the four teens. He could only hope that Omi had his tranquilizer darts at ready.

Yami saw the tension in Ken's hands and Omi's frantic attempt to reach for his darts, and without another moment's hesitation, he cried out, "MIND CRUSH!" causing both assassins to slump over on the beds.

"Wow, cool!" gushed Mokuba, forgetting all about the fact that there was a strange girl... or perhaps it was a boy in a dress... fine, a strange person in his bed. "Do that again!"

"I might have to. Seto, we better check our room as well."

The taller duelist nodded and picked up a miniature golf club that Mokuba kept in the room "just in case" he needed to defend himself, then turned to his brothers and said, "Both of you stay behind me, understand? Don't follow us into the room, just in case."

The cautious quartet walked down the hall to Seto's soundproofed bedroom, and on the count of three, Seto and Yami burst into the room and were once again rendered speechless. For this time, they had caught a pair of young men in the middle of...

All four guys in the room screamed.

Alarmed, Mokuba peeked in. "Nii-sama? OH MY GOD!!!"

"Mokuba! Get out!" Seto yelled as Yami approached the bed, Sennen Eye blazing, the Shadow Realm creeping in as he unconsciously called it around him.

"Woah, that's pretty creepy..." Yohji said lamely as he rolled off of Aya, snatching a pillow to shield his crotch. Aya punched his boyfriend in the ribs and grabbed the pillow back.

Yami's eyes glazed over in anger. "Our... bed. You've defiled OUR BED. You ate my polenta and chicken and the special chili which I made just for Seto. You sat on Seto's ugly wooden chair and our sofa and broke our recliner. But that wasn't enough, was it? You had to come and DEFILE OUR LOVE NEST! MIND CR... mph!"

Seto hurriedly slapped his hand over Yami's mouth before he could banish the two fools to the Shadows. Not that he wasn't just as angry as Yami, in fact, he was probably even angrier, but he wanted some answers before he let his lover punish these men. "I want some answers! Who are you? Why are you here? Why are you screwing in MY... wait. Did you just call it a 'love nest?'"

Yami looked up and nodded, then shrugged.

While the two were distracted, Yohji began reaching for the wire hidden in his watch, but this time Seto caught the movement out of the corner of his eye and he swung the golf club upward just as the wires came whizzing towards his neck. Yohji's eyes widened as his weapon was intercepted, then ducked instinctively as Aya grabbed hold of his katana from the side of the bed and threw it right over Yohji's shoulder at Seto.

"Omph!" Seto grunted as the katana, scabbard and all, bounced off his shoulder. The tall brunette glared at the redheaded swordsman who was busy smacking his forehead at the stupidity of the situation.

"Abyssinian, what the hell?" Yohji hissed.

"Lube makes EVERYTHING slippery, you dolt! I couldn't get the scabbard off!" Aya yelled back, then he fixed a death glare on Seto. If he couldn't fight his way out of the situation, he was going to glare his way out of it.

Seto's eyes narrowed. If it was a glaring contest the other wanted, a glaring contest he would get. The young CEO matched the other's death glare with his own special "Why Don't You Jump Out Of A Window" Death Glare.

Yami and Yohji looked at one another, then back at their respective lovers.

Aya frowned inwardly. Very few people could handle his regular death glare, but Seto Kaiba apparently could. So he gave him the Fujimiya "Shi-ne" Glare, his amethyst eyes blazing.

One of Seto's brows twitched. But he wasn't beaten yet. Though he never had cause to use it, he had practiced his Glare of Eternal Death and Damnation enough times to know that he could whip it out for a special case like this one.

Aya's lips tightened. He didn't think anyone had a Glare of Eternal Death and Damnation that could match his, but the young CEO before him sure had it down pat. And he was taller. And wearing clothing to boot. And there was the small matter of the strange inky black fog that now filled the room. But Aya Fujimiya was not one who would admit defeat easily. Although he had never used it on anyone other than Reiji Takatori, he still had the Triple "Shi-ne, Takatori, Shi-ne!" Glare of...

"Okay, this is just stupid now," said Yohji with a sigh. "Look, we're sorry we broke in and made a mess of things. Our boss sent us here to get a 'Pretty Pink Pony' duel disk because he received information that the last shipment was being stored here."

Yami squirmed out from under Seto's slack hand. "Your boss?"

"Yeah. We're uh... vigilantes. But he asked us to take this mission because he waited too long to do his Christmas shopping, and his niece wanted one of those duel disks."

Yami stared into Yohji's eyes, then sighed, satisfied that the blonde had told him the truth. The Shadows began to roll back. "Your boss was wrong. The last shipment of Limited Edition duel disks was stolen by a thief named Bakura. I wouldn't be surprised if they started showing up on eBay pretty soon."

"Oh. God damn it all... hey, Abyssinian?" Yohji turned to his lover and recoiled in shock. Aya and Seto had been glaring at each other so long that their eyes had become bloodshot. "Abyssinian? HEY Ayan!"

"Balinese! Mission parameters!" Aya ground out. His eyes hurt so bad.

Yohji rolled his eyes. His lover was as stubborn as a donkey. "Abyssinian, abort mission."

Aya finally blinked, groaning in pain as his eyes watered in protest. Seto did the same, though he felt a bit of smug satisfaction at the fact that he outlasted his opponent. Yohji grabbed his sunglasses off the nightstand, then began to pick up articles of clothing off the floor, grimacing when he remembered that they had been wearing dresses for this mission.

After the Shadows dissipated completely, the bedroom door creaked open just a tiny bit. "Are... is everything okay?" Noa asked, his voice still a bit muffled by the door.

"It's okay, Noa. Come in," Yami called out.

"Um, I think I'd rather not. I've had enough sex ed for today. I just wanted to say... pizza's here."

"Okay." Seto began fumbling around for his wallet, and after fishing it out, tossed it blindly in the direction of Noa's voice. "Here, go pay for it."

"By the way, what should we do with the guys in our bed?" Mokuba yelled in.

"Oh. We'll take care of it, Mokuba. Just go eat." Yami turned to Yohji. "I uh, Mind Crushed your teammates."

"Mind Crushed?"

Yami nodded. "It wasn't a full Mind Crush though. It's... I knocked them unconscious, and they probably won't wake for a few more hours. But I suppose I could try to rouse them a bit earlier than that."

"Thanks. I know we deserve much worse."

"Damn straight!" Seto furiously rubbed his eyes and finally opened them enough to fix Yohji with a weak glare. "My chili! My recliner! My bed!!!"

"You said the recliner was... mmmph!"

"Recliner." Seto said firmly.

The blonde assassin smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. We'll pay for any damage that we caused."

"No we won't!" Aya protested, blinking his eyes back into working condition.

Yohji dumped Aya's maid's uniform on top of his head. "Yes we will, Ay~an."

"Kudoooohhh..." And then his stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten even though his teammates had.

"We'll pay for any damage we caused," Yohji repeated. "But Ayan wants some of your pizza. We'll pay for that too."

Seto scowled as Yami nodded his acceptance. But before he could protest, Mokuba screamed, "The pizza's going to get cold! Come get some now or we'll eat it all!"

Yami peeled Seto's hand off his mouth and smiled. "Let's just go eat. We'll figure out the rest of this later."

* * *

And so Omi and Ken were awakened with a little effort, and the four cross-dressed assassins and three Kaiba brothers plus one Yami sat down and had some pizza. And after the members of Weiss had their fill, Yohji, true to his word, cut Seto a big fat check to pay for all the damage that had been done, which included repairs for the recliner which Seto and Yami had broken two nights previous. Not that Seto needed the money... it was about the principle of the matter. And not that Yohji was going to take the fall alone... he'd hit his teammates up for their share once they got back to the flower shop.

So with a relatively peaceful conclusion to a crazy mission, Weiss departed into the night and never did they return to the home of the three Kaiba brothers plus one Yami.

Of course, Persia was not happy with the outcome, and neither was his niece. But that's another story.

@>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'--- @>'--,---'---


Author's Notes:

July 26, 2005