Title: Bad Lemonade
Author: bnomiko
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Yami x Seto
Spoilers: none
Warnings: extraordinarily bad lemon, severe OOCness, swearing
Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the creation of Kazuki Takahashi. The "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" line is from the song "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music." The "I hate you and you hate me" line is from the Pine Salad dub of Robotech episode "Farewell, Big Brother." This is a not-for-profit fanwork and I do not own any of these characters.
Summary: My goal was to write the worst, most OOC Prideshipping lemon EVER (content-wise). Only an idiot would take this seriously, so don't be an idiot.
Status: 1/1
Archived at: (against my better judgement) http://www.phenixsol.com/Miko/FF/

This is a YAOI fic (male x male sexual situations) and is not appropriate for minors. If you are underage or offended by homosexual relationships, please do not read this. Flames will be disregarded.

Setup for this fic:
- Doesn't even matter... takes place in a time and setting that has (hopefully) never existed and (hopefully) never will.

* * *

Bad Lemonade

* * *

Yami stared across the dueling arena at Kaiba, practically undressing the other teen with his eyes. Kaiba stared back, wanton lust in his blue-eyed gaze.

"Kaiba..." Yami called out in his deep, rumbling, sexy voice.

"Yes, Yugi... I mean, Yami?" The tall brunette fluttered his long, dark lashes and gave his rival a smoldering look.

"I hate you and you hate me, but I'm horny. Wanna fuck?"

"But there's no..." Before Kaiba could even finish his sentence, an enormous bed materialized out of nowhere and landed in the middle of the arena. "Oooh, that was convenient."

"Shut up bitch, and get on the bed already. Oh, and can I call you Seto?"

"Sure!" Seto giggled and immediately complied with the order. "This bed's so soft! It'll be like making love on a cloud!" he cried out as he bounced on the springy surface. "Whee!!!!"

Yami's shirt and pants practically exploded off of him as he flexed his muscles, his arousal obviously strong enough to tear the seams of his leather pants apart. "You know you like what you see," the ex-spirit said as he ran his hands all over his naked, god-like body.

"Oh my goodness, is that the Sennen Rod or are you just excited to see me? You're SO big! Like a baby's arm! And your balls are like grapefruits. You're built like a porn star!"

"I'm going to pound you so hard with my blue-veined jackhammer that you'll taste it," Yami promised, then with a single movement he tore Seto's clothing off and dove on top of him.

"No, no we shouldn't! We're rivals! And what would all our friends think?" Seto gasped while Yami bit him on his pale, soft, exposed throat.

"They're MY friends and you can't have 'em. And who cares what they think? They're a bunch of mindless sheep anyways." Then he plunged his tongue, which incidentally was longer and more skilled than Gene Simmons', into the brunette's mouth. Their tongues dueled. Seto tasted like a warm summer's day, like a butterfly dancing in the wind, like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

"Mmmph!! OH!" Seto moaned when Yami finally removed his limber oral organ from his mouth. "But... we shouldn't! I'm a... a... virgin!" he stammered, blushing furiously, his entire face reddening like a ripe tomato.

Yami hauled his hand back and bitch-slapped Seto across the cheek. "Shut it! You won't be a virgin after I'm through with you!"

Seto burst into tears. "I can't believe you're treating me this way! And after all we've been through!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I've been secretly in love with you from afar for the longest time. But I was too shy and scared to tell you... because I knew you would reject me!"

Yami rolled his eyes. "Maybe if we fuck first, and you aren't too bad, I'll keep you around as my guy on the side, okay?"

"Oh, okay!" Seto instantly perked back up, the tears vanishing. "I WUV you."

"Don't make me gag. Speaking of which..." and he grabbed hold of his massive cream-filled meat stick, which incidentally was a foot long and thick and hard as a baseball bat, "suck on this... and don't gag."

"Yummy!" Seto instantly attached himself to the enormous wanger and began blowing it like a pro, taking in Yami's purple-headed love warrior all the way in to his tonsils.

"Yeah, that feels so good!" Yami said hoarsely. "Your mouth is so hot and tight. Your lips are so full and soft. Your tongue is like a vibrator which needs no batteries. Are you sure you haven't done this before? You're like a whore. Oh, it's so good... I'm going to come! Ah! Ah!"

Seto swallowed the flood of hot, salty, delicious love juice that poured into his mouth. When he finally found his voice again, he gushed, "Yami, I've never tasted anything so good! Did I tell you I love you yet?"

"Hmph. You ain't seen nothing yet, you fruity, lusty wench. Time for you to bend over and spread those cheeks." Seto eagerly complied, getting on his hands and knees. "Now remember I've done this a whole bunch of times before, so I know exactly what I'm doing."

Seto giggled in embarrassment and nodded as Yami looked around for some lube, because lube was a very important part of anal sex. Without lube, it would hurt. But since he couldn't find any... "I can't find any lube. This is stupid."

Suddenly a mini-fridge materialized out of nowhere and Yami hopped off the bed bowlegged to check on the contents.

"Is there any lube in there?"

"Yes, dummy." Okay, there was no lube. But there was a tube of ready-to-use wasabi paste and a bottle of habanero extract... "All right, I got it. Ready to have the ride of your life?"

"Oh yes! Yes, take me! Make me yours! Make me into a real man! Today is the first day of the rest of my life!"

Yami squirted out some green paste and smothered pepper extract all over his pink porksicle, then immediately shoved it up Seto's tight, virginal asshole. "Yeah, you're so tight! I can totally tell you are a virgin!"

"Ow, that hurts!" Tears flowed from innocent blue eyes.

"It won't hurt for long!" The shorter duelist began to pound into the brunette's ass in a relentless, frantic, punishing motion until the taller teen stopped whining. Which was almost instantaneous, since Seto's body automatically adjusted to the intrusion.

Yami gloated as he smashed the other teen's prostate into submission. With each and every stroke he hit the gland perfectly, practically knocking Seto unconscious with desire. "Yeah, yeah, it's so hot! So tight! Tell me how good it feels. Tell me how big I am and how good I am, slut!"

"Oh, it's like you're tearing me apart but in a good way! I can't believe how big and good you are! I adore every inch of your thick, meaty, pulsating, throbbing, girthy sausage. In fact, I've instantly accomodated you and don't even feel the burn any more. I've become overwhelmed by lust! You don't know how much I love you!"

"I'm going to come again!"

"Yes, come, come for me! Impregnate me with your seed!"

Then Yami howled like a wild wolf and climaxed again, his weapon of ass destruction squirting gallons of his fertile fluid so deep that Seto could feel it wetting his intestines and tickling his kidneys. But the shorter duelist didn't pull out. After a moment, Yami's one-eyed custard chucker began driving into Seto's loose, used banghole again like a fish into water.

"I can't believe how good this feels! I think I'm about to... come... again!!!"

"Oh!!! Me too! I love you! You're going to make me come too! Yeah, bang my prostate!"

Once again, the ex-spirit exploded with delight, slamming in so hard that he practically pulverized Seto's spine and handicapped him, but this time, Seto orgasmed with him at the exact same moment. The taller duelist splattered his delight all over the bed and onto the floor, bathing everything in a river of white while Yami released so much cum that it all squirted out of Seto's ass.

Suddenly spent, Yami pulled his twelve inch train of pain out of Seto's rectum and collapsed. "I was wrong about you, Seto. You are the man of my dreams and now I realize my hatred of you was really love in disguise. Marry me?" A ring box materialized out of nowhere with a pair of 10K gold bands inside.

"Oh! Yami! Of course I'll marry you!" Seto choked, overwhelmingly overwhelmed by tears of joy. His eyes sparkled like cubic zirconias.

"That's nice." Then Yami rolled over and instantly fell asleep.

Seto cuddled with his sleeping lover and quietly said to himself, "I love him so so so much. This was the happiest moment of my life! But ow, I'm so sore, I probably will be sitting and walking funny for the next few weeks. And I'm all wet and drippy and so are the sheets. Oh well." He giggled again.

Then Seto went to sleep too, dreaming of Yami's pumping pole of penile power and his exciting first-time sexual experience and their upcoming wedding.

* * *


Here's just a partial breakdown of everything that went wrong in this ficlet:

July 28, 2005